We are divorced, now what?

We are divorced, now what?

Each marriage is different. All divorces are different. If you have children, how you survive a divorce depends significantly on how you and your spouse are able to communicate following a mediated divorce.

At mediation, the significant issues between you and your spouse get resolved: Who gets the kids? When can I see the kids? What terms of access will I have? Who gets custody? What is custody? Will I get support for me? Support for the kids? How do we parent following our divorce? What about the house, do we sell it? What about our stuff, who gets it? How do we divide our assets? Who stays in the home while it is listed for sale? Who pays the debts? These issues can be resolved at mediation.

Divorces rarely end the relationship if children are involved. Once the terms of the divorce are finalized, with children, you still must maintain regular contact with the other party. Often, even if there are no children, contact continues. For instance, you may share mutual friends or work for the same employer.

At first it may seem impossible to believe that you can have a positive relationship after a divorce, because of the high tension, stress and acrimony felt during the process. It is difficult to imagine that you can maintain a working relationship after divorce. It is possible and many couples manage their relationship, especially when children are involved. In mediation, you can focus on post divorce relationship between you and your former spouse and your children; you can set ground rules for a respectful child focussed post divorce relationship.

Divorce is a painful and complicated process. As you consider starting a mediated, cooperative process, there are several factors to consider when looking at the post divorce relationship. There are logical, rational ground rules that may be established to assist you after divorce. For some people interacting together after divorce just makes sense and the process take on its own life. For others, communication skills training is the key. For others, having very clear boundaries is important (when you can call the kids, where you stay when you pick-up the kids (at the door, in the driveway), etc...). Children are the integral part of any relationship, before and after separation; parents share a common bond - they love their children. Most often, if you start with the premise that most decisions should be made in the best interests of the children, the terms of the ongoing relationship between spouses simply work out, with a little help from a trained mediator and an open good faith discussion.

We find the following questions are helpful: Do you agree that your children are worth the effort of arriving at a positive post divorce relationship? Consider the other option, no relationship or a negative relationship? Can you maintain some fundamental trust in each other to commit to maintaining a positive relationship for the sake of your children? Are you realistically able to work together after divorce? Do you recognize that you will each make mistakes and commit to work hard to overcome those mistakes?

If you answer positively to these questions, your mediator that can support you in achieving a successful transition to a positive post divorce relationship. Remember that the negotiation process itself will take time and probably many sessions. One of the benefits of mediation is that it is customizable to fit your circumstances and often referral to good counsellors if the key. As mediator, we can assist in developing the most efficient process for you.

Finally, remember that you are not alone. As mediators, we have worked with many couples who have successfully developed rules to guide their post divorce relationship. We have experience in what works and what does not work. We can provide guidance and options and open a positive discussion towards resolution of your particular issues. If you believe mediation is for you, call Marc-Nicholas Quinn, Mediator, Lawyer and Author - Plant Quinn Thiele LLP - 613-563-1131.